The army - boring people to death

Hello again. Its been a while since I last wrote something here that I did not delete after reading through it. Well today is a good day, the sun is out, one can actually feel the warmth of the rays if you really concentrate and find a spot where there is no wind. So basically summer is here... nearly.



Most people who knew before I went into the army, knew that I had been avoiding the damn place like the plague from since I was 18 until I finally went in at 24, so a good six years. I was not really interested in the 'gung-ho' mentality, I rather thought of myself as having grandeur ideals, ideas and hobbies than be caught up in the whole 'boys with toys' charade of the army.



Hmmm.... that worked out well, as now the people who met me after I had spent enough time among the hormone -charged young men to have seen enough spunk to last me a lifetime, they might think that I have army on the brain. Perhaps. When I went in, slightly unsure of myself after hearing all those stories from friends about all the things that they make newcomers go through, I made up my mind to think of it as a sporting holiday. I had just finished a BA Degree, where I actually did quite a bit of work during my last year, instead of being drunk down the pub every night, so my rational was that the army was a holiday. No essays, exams, long academic lectures, hours of pondering what the f**k something meant... nope... not in this place... you could leave your brain at home. Everything you did was organised by someone else: when to wake up, when to eat and when to sh*t. Just follow the schedule. Easy.



In fact, it wasn't really what I expected. I was more relaxed about not having that much free time on my hands, not getting that many evening passes or that sort of thing. I knew that if I had two pints or more, I would have a hangover and not able to function without a fair amount of painkillers the next day. Especially when you had to be up at 5 in the morning, already by itself an ungodly hour to be conscious, having a hangover and being expected to understand what the hell was going on when the sun had not even risen yet, was a bit too much for me. After 3 years of Welsh 'student culture' my drinking tap was overflowing... so I was mostly sober and well behaved in there. Did what I was told and did not question it too loud. This way I was able to make friends with officers in high positions. The higher your friends are up in the ladder the less you have to worry yourself about and do. Perfect. Spent the last months doing pretty much what I liked and came back thinking that the army is not such a bad place. Changed my point of view totally. I was shocked to find that out. Ramboism had taken over me.



So, apologies to all if you have been overwhelmed by the army - stories. If you love me, bear with me!!! :) Anyway, the reason I brought up this army thing is that there was a article about it in one of the Finnish newspapers,



Three new conscripts, 1 woman and 2 men, in the military police battalion were caught in the ladies toilet after the order for 'lights out' had been called meaning that everyone should have been dreaming of their mother's cooking. The three, however had other things on their mind... a threesome in the the shower. A cadet (officer in training) had been patrolling in the vicinity and heard the shower. It is quite normal that you were so busy and occupied by all sorts of lovely assignments during the day that you just did not have time to have a shower, so many had one during the early hours of the morning, before wake-up call. But these showers are not built so that you have long relaxing showers, but for the single purpose of being able to accommodate about a 100 soldiers in an hour. So get in, scrub like hell and get out. The three, however, was there for a good while before the suspicions of the cadet overwhelmed him and he went in to have a look. Apparently they had not been in 'full action' but some preliminary preparations had been seen to. I am sure that many of you know how fast rumours circulate in a group of friends, among colleagues etc... so imagine how fast the news of the incident had travelled through the whole brigade. It became an urban legend in moments. Now the three are under reprimand, stripped of any special privileges and not going to enjoy the rest of their army experience. If you fuck-up once, the army has the memory of an elephant, as nothing is ever forgotten, but brought up by every officer, non-com, roommate and some guy driving a truck in another battalion. And as shit flows downwards, these three will be the end station of everything lovely and homely... So boys and girls... before you end up in the shower either trying to 'enter' a fellow soldier in a manner that is not found in the soldier's guidebook on conduct between comrades in green or if you feel the need to go down on your knees to admire your colleague's private weapon... please don't, because you might start to miss the comfort of mummy very soon!!!


Another story from the army, which happened last winter up in the north during a forest camp. As the soldiers sleep in tents even during mid winter when the temperature, especially up in the north part of the country can sink below - 30 degrees, there is mobile 'stove' in every tent, which is fuelled by wood. The only problem with this is that the tent material is highly flammable and there might be guns and ammunition in the tent as well. So when the stove is on, it has to be tended to and guarded at all times. A guarding rota, along with the totally worthless guard duty outside, where you sit in a foxhole for a few hours and stare into the distance, just in case the Namibian Olympic Team should decide to invade is normal procedure during these camps. Before the camp, a woman and man, both corporals in the same unit had started a relationship together. This is against the rules, of course. Most probably through some back-hand deals, rather than luck, they had been put in the same tent for the duration of the camp, while in the barracks, there is a very clear separation between men and women sleeping areas. During their nightly guard duty inside the tent, they had sex many times, which were taped by the guy on his video camera. The woman apparently knew about this and was OK with it. Later when they had finished their national service and had split up, the guy, in a stroke of genius, uploads the videos on the internet. Some conscript, bored and stuck in barracks, found the videos, which spread faster than a stomach bug in the army. The woman's friend saw the clips and told her friend, who has now sued the guy for 'emotional damage' - a verdict is still pending.


OK. Enough. Sorry. So sorry. At least this time it wasn't about a tank driving over a grandpa.


Next time I promise, it won't be about this...


Enjoy the sun everyone!!!